announcing our funding campaign for border state!

Lloyd Kaufman as Himself

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(attached) Lloyd is bringing his own brand of zaniness to the cast. 

(Aliens) Greys 1 and 2-Talent Wish: Cheech and Chong

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  On an interplanetary mission of research, and humans are just so played out. They make a stop on Earth anyway for some quick fun and a breakfast mimosa. Things get out of hand when JR Handy thinks they are actual illegal aliens from Bermuda…Mexico. They inadvertently prevent a real terrorist attack while constantly bickering with each other. “Sometimes I think you just want to fail.”

(National Guard) Captain-Talent Wish: Mr. T

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A no-nonsense National Guard captain on a military mission to locate the nonsensical Mexican Menace-and he pities every single fool along the way. 

Governor Nan Seether- Talent Wish: Kirstie Alley

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Governor Nan Seether was appointed to the job when the previous governor Rene Montefusco quit to become an astronaut, and subsequently was killed in an explosion. This led state and local leaders to warn everybody that science was bad and no place for a woman despite what they might say in Washington DC and elsewhere. This accident was used as an excuse to curtail science classes for all girls in this state so nothing like that ever happens again. Seether is a woman of indeterminate age who once served as a legislator (usually drunk while doing so), and whose son is serving time in the state hospital for molesting farm animals and removing the “Do Not Remove” tag from mattresses with a roving gang. Seether is largely unaware of what is going on, and is constantly being reminded of what to say, what day it is and has an aide whose job it is to answer the phone and turn it around so Seether is speaking into the correct end. She also has a degree in finger painting from a local community college.

April Walterscheid As State Senator Katy Harmony

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(Attached) State Senator Katy Harmony is running for a newly-created congressional seat after her complaints of being an oppressed minority are finally taken seriously. She is white, from a large church that originates in the state just to the north, but is openly tri-sexual, has at various times claimed to be a socialist, a pacifist, anti-war, pro-war, a corporate elitist, and cannot go more than a few hours without claiming her outfit is now out of style and changing into a new one. Represents a district that she lives in only because her apartment’s address is 50 feet inside the border, while her actual apartment is not. She sometimes dresses scantily, but has little to no concern about anyone but herself. It’s revealed during Mexican Menace war protests the reason she organized it at the intersection she did is because there is a very fashionable mall right there so she can go shopping while her volunteers protest.

Derek Solorsano as State Senate President Ross Prick

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(Attached) State Senate President Ross Prick is anti-immigrant, blames Mexico for every bad thing that happened to America beginning with the American Revolution. He also believes the US President is from Mexico. He’s loud and abrasive, and needs interpreters to read English. He associates professionally and personally with a southern border vigilante who is rumored to be a neo-Nazi Klansman named JR Handy who at one time may or may not have been a US puppet regime mercenary.

JR Handy-Talent Wish: Jake the Snake (Jake Roberts)

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Southern Border vigilante extraordinaire and Senator Prick’s right hand man. Handily confused by snarky space aliens. A neo-Nazi who at one time may or may not have been a US puppet regime mercenary. 

State Senator Sherry Norman-Talent Wish: Kathy Kinney

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State Senator Sherry Norman has lost every election to retain her seat, but is always appointed to replace somebody in it when one of her successors meets with some kind of accident. Her successors in no particular order have died from: falling off a horse, being electrocuted while hanging Christmas lights, a gardening accident that was apparently better left uninvestigated, being killed by a chupacabra, disappearing off the face of the earth, and spontaneous combustion while making a speech at the State Senate chamber. She believes the Earth is only 6,000 years old, and is heavily anti-immigrant.

State Senator Darren Schapira- Talent Wish: TJ Miller

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State Senator Darren Schapira represents a district near the State University. He is level headed and seems to be the most grown up of the others. Although married he’s a womanizer, but goes to certain lengths to avoid anyone really knowing. He is mulling a challenge for the newly created congressional district to rival State Senator Harmony, mostly because he actually lives there. Is famous for his feats of alcohol consumption which led to his popularity prior to running for office. He is not anti-immigration and looks to have a more balanced solution for things, but is in the minority.

Fmr. Attorney General Jerry Studdard-Talent Wish: Matt Frewer

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Nan Seether's opposition for the top office is Jerry Studdard, a former attorney general who everyone agrees they don’t mind, but can’t really figure out what he did while in office. He’s very good at being quiet and not saying anything disturbing. He is married but his wife is never actually seen with him anywhere, she’s seen in lots of places, just not with him. Studdard travels with a quartet of large black men, his “bodyguards”, who are dressed in black thong style underwear and bow ties. Their explanation is that Jerry makes them dress this way. We don’t know why, but everyone just figures that since he’s been so boring for years nobody is really curious about the reason behind it.

Mars Parham as US President Malik Hussein Sanchez-Yutani Jenkins

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(Attached) Affable newly-elected president who is continuously baffled by the Mexican Menace. Appears on live TV with the Mexican President to dispel fears of war with Mexico only to be rebuffed by the State Senate. He’s known for efforts to appease both sides of the aisle, speaks eloquently, and carries absolutely no stick.

Sheriff Joe Ayprayoo- Talent Wish: Jean-Claude Van Dam

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  The local sheriff who wages war with Mexico once the crisis begins. He is strongly anti-immigrant, but only because it gets him votes and he’s been able to establish a link between terrorism and street corner vendors who have Hispanic surnames. He launched the investigation into whether or not the president is an illegal immigrant. He also isn’t sure if his parents came here legally or not, from a country that nobody wants to talk about.

County Prosecutor Randy McDowell-Talent Wish: Bob Saget

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Randy McDowell is a Harvard educated lawyer, but it turns out he only got into Harvard by pretending the dean of admissions ran him over with his car by accident. He’s now the county prosecutor and teaming with Sheriff Ayprayoo, hatches a plan to defeat his so-named Mexican Menace, defending our border by any means necessary and somehow usurp power from the governor. He is strongly anti-immigrant as well, but is married to a woman who is apparently Hispanic but speaks no English. He has 4 sons, all of whom speak English with a heavy accent. His wife is usually mistaken as his housekeeper and he does nothing to correct people who think that.

Cesar-Talent Wish: Jimmy Smits

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Cesar and Ugolin are stylish moderately well-off Mexican farmers whose wayward cows they try to coax away from the Southern Border with the US. Their mild demeanor even under the duress of excessive border patrol law enforcement and jail, is a testament to their expensive overseas education. County Prosecutor Randy McDowell meets his match with these two gentlemen.

Ugolin-Talent Wish: Steven Bauer

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Ugolin and Cesar are stylish moderately well-off Mexican farmers whose wayward cows they try to coax away from the Southern Border with the US. Their mild demeanor even under the duress of excessive border patrol law enforcement and jail, is a testament to their expensive overseas education. County Prosecutor Randy McDowell meets his match with these two gentlemen.

(National Guard Lieutenant) Beemer-Talent Wish: Judge Reinhold

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Lt. Beemer knows when to make the most of a hopeless situation. And when the Mexican Menace has his unit running in circles in the middle of a desert, he convinces the Captain to make the most of it. A tour of duty turned vacation at a posh casino? Leave it to Beemer. 

Charlie-Talent Wish: Charlie Sheen

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Pilot with a dark past and pesky substance addiction. From the control tower, he guides a troubled plane full of orphans and aid workers in spite of reoccurring flashbacks and nay-saying from the other air traffic controllers. He definitely picked the wrong time to stop doing horse tranquilizers.

(Casino) Chief-Talent Wish: Branscombe Richmond

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He’s all about tribal survival, but business is business. And if business means hoodwinking the National Guard into a permanent ‘vacation’ of hotel room and pool cleaning, then summon the money spirit dance kemosabe. Not that the Guards mind too terribly. The Mexican Menace is cutting into their golf time.

Vic Mignogna as Peter

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(Attached) Look, he’s taken a few flying lessons, but he’s in no position to land a plane that’s been side-swiped by an alien space ship during an international incident involving three wayward cows. No, he’s not romantically involved with Jan, they’re just good friends.

Kelly Nicole as Jan

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(Attached) Just a small town girl trying to make the world a better place one orphan at a time. Easily excitable whenever a pilot passes out and dies.

State Senator Rex Barely-Talent Wish: Paul Reubens

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Hapless do-gooder easily overlooked by the mayhem growing and swirling around him. Is it too much to ask for a little pat on the back for the City's new transit system that's slower than a 3 speed? I mean, come on--he was the ribbon cutter! His buddy Sen. Shapira wishes Sen. Barley would just relax and mix a drink from Shapira's  legislative portable cocktail bar. 

State Senator Ron Schleuter-Talent Wish: Kurtwood Larson Smith

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 Is easily convinced an innocent photograph of a grade school field trip is actually a snapshot from the Mexican Menace, and he's got just the plan to protect his 'Soverrn' State: "Knife Fight!" His grandson is still traumatized from Schleuter threatening his teacher with a knife for teaching the class that the earth is round. Schleuter had to be dragged out of the classroom by police while shouting, "Legislative immunity!"

U.S. Vice President-Talent Wish: Tom Cruise (as Les Grossman)

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Once the United States Vice President catches wind that some dumb as f*ck hayseeds in the State Legislature are going against the President by starting a Mexican Menace, he interrupts the State Senate floor with a live on-screen raging threat fest. He threatens to first have Sen Prick's  intern punch Sen Prick in the face, reminds them all that the West Coast is his territory, and threatens them with the might of the US Military if they don't f*ing knock it off.

Green Shirt Guy (aka Alex Kack) as Himself

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(attached) Celebrated humor hero of the Southern Border. If one guy can embody the spirit of Border State, it's this guy. 

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